Some people seem unflappable, but their calm may come from two very different emotional strategies—one that supports mental health, and one that can quietly undermine it
That coworker who never loses their cool, even when deadlines pile up or meetings go sideways, might not be as serene as they look. According to American psychologist James J. Gross, people who appear calm in stressful situations typically rely on one of two emotional strategies: cognitive reappraisal or expressive suppression. These approaches may look similar from the outside, but they have very different effects on well-being.
Cognitive reappraisal means reframing how you interpret a situation before your emotions take over. Instead of assuming the worst when someone doesn't reply to your message, you might consider they’re busy or distracted, not angry. This shift in perspective can reduce anxiety and prevent negative emotions from spiraling. Expressive suppression, on the other hand, is about hiding your emotional reactions—keeping a neutral face while turmoil brews inside. While this can help you get through a tense meeting, it often comes at a cost.
Research led by Gross and Oliver John, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, found that people who use cognitive reappraisal tend to experience more positive emotions, enjoy stronger social connections, and report higher psychological well-being. Those who habitually suppress their feelings, however, are more likely to struggle with interpersonal issues and lower life satisfaction. Suppression can also sap mental energy, making it harder to process information and remember details—like when participants in a study had trouble recalling a film after being told to hide their reactions.
Physiologically, suppression doesn’t just mask emotions; it changes how your body responds. Heart rate may drop, but other stress markers—like increased blinking and nervous system activation—can spike. Over time, relying on suppression as your default can leave you feeling disconnected and exhausted.
Choosing Your Response
It’s not realistic—or even healthy—to be emotionally transparent all the time. Social norms often require us to keep a lid on our feelings, especially at work or in negotiations. But making suppression your go-to strategy can backfire. Cognitive reappraisal, by contrast, is a skill you can learn and refine. It’s not about forced positivity or denying problems, but about finding a less threatening way to interpret difficult moments.
Building this habit takes practice. When you feel stress rising, pause before reacting. Consider alternative explanations for what’s happening. Guided breathing—inhale for four seconds, hold for seven, exhale for eight—can help reset your nervous system. Sensory grounding techniques, like holding a cold object or focusing on a strong scent, can also anchor you in the present and reduce emotional overwhelm.
Some situations, like grief or trauma, demand that we fully experience our emotions rather than reframe them away. In moments of real danger, stress is adaptive and necessary. Context matters. The key is knowing when to use each strategy and not defaulting to suppression out of habit.
Everyday Patterns
Many people who seem calm are actually working hard behind the scenes to manage their emotions. As Psytheater.com notes, the strategies we use to handle stress can shape not just our mood, but our relationships and even our memory. If you find yourself replaying stressful moments or struggling to let go of negative feelings, it may be worth examining which emotional habits you rely on most. For some, as explored in this analysis of rumination and personality traits, the way we process emotions can become a defining feature of how we move through life.
In a 2003 study, Gross and John surveyed over 1,000 adults and found that those who practiced cognitive reappraisal reported significantly higher life satisfaction and fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety. Suppression, by contrast, was linked to increased stress and poorer social functioning. These findings have influenced how therapists approach emotional regulation, with many now teaching reappraisal techniques as part of evidence-based treatments for anxiety and mood disorders.
Understanding the difference between managing emotions and simply hiding them can help you choose healthier ways to cope with stress. The next time you admire someone’s composure, remember: true calm often comes from the inside out, not just from keeping a straight face.
Cognitive reappraisal is a cornerstone of several modern therapy approaches, including cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). By learning to identify and challenge automatic negative thoughts, people can reduce emotional distress and improve resilience. This skill is not innate—it can be taught, practiced, and strengthened over time, making it a valuable tool for anyone looking to build emotional flexibility and healthier relationships.
