Most people can only hold a stranger’s gaze for a few seconds—here’s what’s happening in your brain
Locking eyes with a stranger on the subway or in a waiting room can feel like time stops. But in reality, these moments are fleeting and rare. According to a 2023 study from McGill University, when two people who don’t know each other talk, they make direct eye contact for only about 3.5% of the conversation. The rest of the time, their gaze drifts to the mouth, forehead, or elsewhere in the room. This research, published in Scientific Reports, sheds light on why sustained eye contact with strangers can feel so intense—and why most of us instinctively avoid it.
Researchers at McGill’s Laboratory for Attention and Social Cognition, led by Florence Mayrand, used eye-tracking glasses to monitor 15 pairs of young adults during face-to-face conversations. The data showed that these strangers, aged 18 to 24, looked at each other’s faces only about 12% of the time, and their eyes met directly for just a fraction of that. The more often their eyes met, the more likely they were to follow each other’s gaze, suggesting that even brief eye contact can create a subtle social bond.
In a follow-up study published in 2024 in Communications Psychology, Mayrand’s team asked over 70 volunteers to watch videos of faces with shifting eyes. Participants responded more quickly when the eye movement signaled a clear intention, even if they couldn’t explain why. This suggests our brains are wired to pick up on the intentions behind someone’s gaze, often without conscious awareness.
These split-second exchanges are loaded with meaning. Each time our eyes meet someone else’s, our brains rapidly assess curiosity, friendliness, judgment, or even potential threat. According to the European iSAID project, sustained eye contact can boost oxytocin and activate mirror neurons, deepening the sense of connection. For some, this intensity is pleasant; for others, it quickly becomes overwhelming, triggering the urge to look away.
Psychologists note that discomfort with eye contact is common. In some cases, it can escalate into what’s called “gaze anxiety” or even blemmophobia—a persistent fear of being looked at or looking at others. Just being observed by a stranger can cause a racing heart, loss of words, or a strong desire to avoid eye contact altogether. For neurodivergent individuals, such as those with autism or ADHD, direct eye contact can be physically painful or exhausting. Looking away isn’t a sign of rudeness or lack of empathy, but a coping strategy to manage sensory overload and stay engaged in conversation.
The good news: there’s no rule that says you have to maintain constant eye contact. The McGill study found that people naturally alternate their gaze between the eyes and mouth of their conversation partner. Using this natural rhythm—looking at the eyes, then the nose or mouth, and taking brief breaks—can help you appear attentive without overwhelming yourself.
