For many parents, the moment their child begins to pull away can feel like a personal rejection. The child who once clung to your hand now slams doors, insists you don’t understand, and seems to value friends over family. According to pediatric neurosurgeon Boris Oleynikov, who spoke on the program «Родительский контроль» on Радио РБК, this shift is not only normal—it’s necessary. The process, known as separation, is a critical stage of adolescence, and it often comes with emotional turbulence and conflict.
Oleynikov explains that the teenage brain is undergoing a massive transformation. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for judgment and self-control, is still developing, while the limbic system—the brain’s emotional and reward center—is in overdrive. This neurological imbalance drives teens to seek independence and find their place among peers. To do so, their brains are wired to devalue parental authority, making it easier to break away and form their own identities.
Parents often experience this as hurtful or disrespectful behavior, but Oleynikov urges them to see it as a biological imperative. He warns that if separation doesn’t occur during the typical window of 14 to 17 years old, it may happen later, potentially leading to immaturity and difficulty forming adult relationships. The key, he says, is to accept the inevitability of this process and to support it rather than resist it.
One of the most effective ways to navigate this challenging period is to create a safe space for self-expression. Oleynikov suggests allowing teens to explore harmless forms of individuality—listening to their own music, experimenting with hair color, or cultivating private interests. Rather than acting as a disciplinarian, parents should strive to be a reliable source of support, respecting their teen’s boundaries and privacy. Trust, he emphasizes, is the only currency that holds value during separation.
By fostering an environment of trust and acceptance, parents can help their children become independent adults without damaging the relationship. The sense of being trusted and understood gives teens the confidence to separate in a healthy way, reducing the risk of lasting conflict or emotional estrangement.
