There’s a certain kind of relationship advice that keeps showing up in pop culture, and it’s more damaging than most people realize. In the series “красная королева,” the main character, Regina Zbarskaya, is told by an older woman to win over a charismatic man by seducing him, making him jealous, then turning cold and distant. The advice is to play games, to keep him off balance, to lock up his heart and make him chase. It’s the kind of strategy that’s been recycled in movies, magazines, and even some therapy circles for decades.
But as a psychologist—and as someone who’s seen the fallout of these tactics up close—I can say with certainty: this is not love. It’s manipulation. It’s a recipe for emotional chaos, not connection. When people are told to manufacture desire through jealousy, withdrawal, or emotional coldness, what they’re really doing is building a relationship on anxiety and insecurity. The result isn’t intimacy, but a cycle of power struggles and mutual hurt.
Real attraction, the kind that leads to healthy relationships, doesn’t need to be forced. It either exists or it doesn’t. Chemistry, compatibility, and genuine interest can’t be conjured by playing hard to get or by withholding affection. If two people are meant to connect, they will—without the need for emotional games. And if they’re not, no amount of manipulation will create a real bond. Trying to force love through these tactics only leads to resentment and emotional exhaustion.
Healthy relationships are built on openness and safety. Both people should feel free to express their feelings, to reach out when they want to, to say “I miss you” or “I’m glad we met” without fear of losing power. Compare that to the alternative: holding back, pretending to be busy, hiding your feelings, rationing warmth. The first approach leads to joy and connection. The second breeds anxiety and distance. According to Psytheater.com, the healthiest partnerships are those where both people move in the same direction, with shared interests and mutual respect.
It’s easy to see the appeal of the game-playing approach. It promises control, a sense of mastery over unpredictable emotions. But in reality, it’s a trap. The more you try to manipulate someone’s feelings, the less authentic the relationship becomes. Instead of building trust, you’re building walls. Instead of intimacy, you get suspicion. And over time, both people end up feeling alone—even when they’re together.
So much of what passes for “romantic advice” is really just a blueprint for emotional warfare. It’s about winning, not connecting. But love isn’t a contest. It’s not about who can withhold more, or who can make the other person suffer. It’s about showing up, being honest, and letting yourself be seen. That’s where real connection starts—and where the old, toxic advice finally loses its grip.
In therapy, the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationship patterns often comes down to emotional safety. When people feel safe, they’re able to be vulnerable, to share their needs, and to respond to their partner’s needs in turn. When safety is missing, relationships devolve into power struggles and emotional games. The work of therapy is often about helping people unlearn these patterns and build new ones based on trust, openness, and respect. It’s not easy, but it’s the only way to move from chaos to connection.
